The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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