I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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