Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just pynch a tree in the face
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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