I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
