i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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