Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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