I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
