Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
