You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
