You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
