I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
