Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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