Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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