at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
