he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize