hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
