i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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