i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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