so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
