You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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