I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
