my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
