It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
