He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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