There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
