On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm eating all of the evidence.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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