You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
