THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
