I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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