Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
