My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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