i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
