I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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