I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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