I cockslap morals
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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