the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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