the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
