Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
