party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
