Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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