I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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