I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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