Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
