i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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