The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
