Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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