I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
