There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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