i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
