So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
