Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
