Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
