Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we're so committed to being not committed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
