Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
