omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
