everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
