There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
