It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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