Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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