but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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