So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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