I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
