Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we made out on top of his cat.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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