??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
