my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
